Changes to BST mean clocks will go back by 70 years at the end of March


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A top-secret report, which was hacked by a schoolboy this morning, has revealed that the government is set to make a major one-off change when the clocks are due to ‘spring forwards’ in around six weeks.

Rather than moving forwards by an hour, clocks throughout the UK will be moved back to 30 March 1949, with ration books and child labour to be introduced the following week.

Jeremy Corbyn will be shaved, washed, instilled as the Prime Minister and known as Clement, whilst George VI will be dug up and paraded around London on horseback.

A government spokesman told us today that it was ‘the way forward for an independent Britain’.

“We promised that we would get back to the Britain of old and ensure that we recapture that fantastic community spirit. We can once again look forward to the atmosphere of black and white television, being racist, homophobic and drinking warm beer in smoky pubs amongst comrades from the picket line.

“Outside toilets, dog-shit on every street corner, left by packs of random, roaming dogs, and a good twatting from an adult if a child spoke out of turn. Sexism, no minimum wage and a smack on the arse for any bird in tight pants. When you look at everything that the EU has taken away from us, it’s no wonder we want out.

“We’ve lost sight of who we really are.”

It is believed that the change will be monitored and, if necessary, the clocks will be moved back a further 30 years in the autumn.

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